My last post 4 years ago brought back memories.. In a way if I were a keen reader of my own blog, I'd be worried! Is she still alive? I can laugh now but only God knows how demotivated I was back then.. I still remember the kind Medical MO who was concerned and asked if the MC she gave was enough. My parents were miles away, we could only talk on the phone - I just gave a usual "I'm okay!" voice. Haha

Anyway 4 years have passed.. 

I am in a totally different place.

Physically? Alhamdulillah, no side effects and follow up for the post needle prick was fine.

Completed my HO training on time, no issue (on surface) alhamdulillah. Emotionally bruised will heal by time.

Moved to different state, one of the thing I never imagined was to drive more than 3 hours weekly one way to get home.

Worked every night and day continuously for 22 days. No break in between - yes included Saturday and Sunday. Makes it about 80-100 hours of working per week.

Completed my compulsory service as Medical Officer as well, a full pledged registered doctor in Malaysia.

Got married.

Now I'm residing in Scotland, United Kingdom.

Here I am writing on Maghrib of First day of Ramadhan.. Counting endless blessings. But a little sad because ever since I worked - this year is the year I'm most broken financially.. I haven't been working cause I'm doing my postgraduate study. Ramadan and Aidilfitri was the time I'd splurge on my mom and family. 

They don't really need me, I make way less than them even now that they're no longer working full time. Haha. But it's just.. My happiness. Well I guess I gotta keep my heads up, believe in His words that the best thing a child can do is to pray for them. 

I would never be able to pursue my study without them teaching me to read at the beginning. So all these are for Ummi and Ayah. May Allah grant them the Highest place, provide them with barakah in their daily life, and protect them.

I wish I could give you more but these are all that I have for now.

30th October 2021, Saturday. It was the first day of my shift. I'm the kind who gets thrilled over working on holiday because it's less busy.. And alhamdulillah I was in the "transition ward" as I call it. Where all patients are placed there temporarily until their COVID status is cleared.

Everything went well, the bosses were nice.. Presented smoothly. Prepared for tomorrow beforehand.. Until it's 4 pm. A new patient was pushed in. My partner's shift will end at 5 pm, so it's an unspoken rule for me to handle him first hand - as in taking swab, bloods, whatever needed.

I've done "donning in" (to wear PPE), clerked the patient. Took blood from the patient - about 20cc, because we needed for blood cultures (2 bottles of 7-10cc), and other few bloods to send for investigations.

To keep the story short : Needlestick injury happened between me and a HIV patient who has just started treatment 2 months back. Maybe one day once everything is settled (there are months of follow up), I'll talk about it. I couldn't really find others' experiences on blog.. After all, it's not something pleasant to talk about. But alhamdulillah, now that I posted this - I'm fine.

This is not an uncommon accidental injury among healthcare workers. To reassure my beloved friends, it's less likely to get infected with HIV through injuries like this. Hepatitis B is more commonly contracted that way. Hence as a result, I'll be on medication for 28 days, twice a day.. The hardest part for someone who has difficulty to swallow even a Panadol / antibiotics. :(

"You are not lazy, unmotivated, or stuck. You are stuck living in survival mode, you are exhausted. There's a difference." Put aside the fact that this working field is already tired enough.. What hurdles me right now is not knowing my working schedule.

I don't know if I'll be working straight 7 am - 9 pm for 5 days, then on the 6th day I'll be working night shift. Then after the night shift I won't know if I get an off day. Or worse, I get to know it's my off day on the day itself, only to realise that I won't have any off day.

I made it sound complicated, did I.

I find it hard to cope with unscheduled routine. It's not easy to work on night shift, only to know you will work again night shift on the day itself.

I'm a proud introvert. It's never been easy for me to work with people. But I cope. I just need a little breather and I'll be able to function. Not well, but hopefully, making someone's life better..

Worse ; you won't know when you will be deployed to another place, to an unknown location, for an unknown duration. No criteria, randomly picked.

Since the pandemic has been getting harsh, living in the middle of pandemic centre, it's getting worse.

20k positive cases isn't just a number, those are our family.
300 Brought-in-Dead isn't just a number, those are our family.
50 employers isn't just a number, those are our family..

Honestly I don't like to read anything to do with pandemic. I stopped sharing on my social medias, hid all the notifications from friends who like to update about it. It hurts a little. I'm sorry if anyone had to read this, despite you didn't want to. Just needed to put it in words.

Take care and stay safe.

 "You only grow outside your comfort zone," is what they say.

Alhamdulillah, it's been a month of where I am now. It's a mixed feeling to be honest, to be a "COVID intern". You have no other option but to go on, your main focus is to finish the program on time so you get your qualification fully accredited. Then you're free to do whatever you want, and still practice as a doctor. The workload isn't worth the pay, but as a lady.. Being supported by man.. Enough to pamper youself, I guess? Haha

Oh well, like any other healthcare workers at this moment actually.. You can't quit. Worry about infecting your family with COVID? No one cares. The number of COVID patients are increasing in ward, more and more normal wards are turned into a COVID wards. How many times we missed to diagnose COVID, and exposed ourself to patients who later found to be positive.. The only thing I could do - wear the suffocating and painful N95 mask with faceshield. I'd rather suffocate now with oxygen saturation 98% in me. Yes it feels suffocating but no healthy person / even asthmatic person were found gasping or having an attack for wearing face mask properly.

The difference is we're the most ameteur in the game. You may be equipped with all the weapon, know all the tricks, but your HP is low to fully utilize it. You are not dumb, you just can't put it together.. So you will be treated as dumb anyway.

During "tagging period", I was yelled. This patient was supposed to take a medication for her to pass motion, in order to go for scope through her anus. I have endorsed the medication, I was the only one at that time during night round. God knows where's the seniors are.. So the way I endorsed it was not accurate.

I have ensured the medication is prepared, informed that she needs to go for the procedure tomorrow, hence need to take the medication on time tonight itself. Miscommunication happened, some thought she were to go for the procedure the day after, with the inaccuracy on endorsement of medication - the medication was not given when I reviewed in the morning.

So I was yelled during morning round.

Where was the seniors who left a 3 days old tagger alone in ward?

Where was the boss who didn't specifically mentioned I need to write the time and date?

Where was the nurse who I together figured out how to serve and ordered together in the system?

No one will take the blame.

Because I am the one who endorsed it and signed.

To make it worse, it was found by the on-call boss who's known as..

To recall back now, it was a simple incident. But perhaps I was exhausted.. Wait a minute. The way I write is a little too underrating. So let's just quote the words literally.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT!?"

"WHO ENDORSED LIKE THIS?"

"POST IN GROUP NOW, I WANT TO KNOW WHO! IDENTIFY YOURSELF!"

To which I admitted and fully responsible for that.

Ok that's one story. I don't prefer to share the bad things.. But I think I should. Before I stepped into this field, I wasn't quite exposed to how stressful the environment could be. And most people in deseparate, turns into someone they are now.. Which could affect their character as well if not handled well. The whole world knows how unkind the working environment is, it depends on how we react to that. It's not just certain countries, it's the whole world. Okay let's begin. This is story number one.

A scope can be either through your mouth (OGDS) or through your anus (colonosopy). In this photo, you can see the doctor is inserting through mouth.. The patient will be either unconscious or semi conscious, of course with pain killer!

Basically a camera in form of tube will be inserted. And the doctor can do procedure immediately on the spot, if needed. Let say there's bleeding, the doctor can stop the bleeding through the scope. Hence, you need the passage to be cleared from any poopss for a clearer view. Most of the time while inserting the tube from anus, the watery stool (poop lah) will come out as well, with gases.. Sorry were you reading while eating? Opssie.

To be accurate, the title should say "Hell." but that would be too mainstream.

So far so good. Tak terkejar-kejar, relax je kami di wad. Sempat lepak makan brownies, minum milo. Hehe. Department yang saya kerja sekarang, bukanlah department yang "eventful". Tapi dah nama pun kena duudk wad, ada kemungkinan kondisi pesakit boleh berubah tiba-tiba.

Saya sedang bersiap-siap untuk tugas office hour, tiba-tiba nurse datang. Masa tu dalam jam 5.30 am.

"Dr., cuba tengok patient A. Macam dah tak ada."

Huh? Tak ada apa ni? Patient jalan-jalan, hilangkan diri ke apa?

"Saya periksa vital signs dia 2 jam lepas, dalam 1 jam lepas saya bagi ubat - okay, sihat je." tambah nurse tadi.

Kami pergi untuk periksa pesakit tersebut, panggil kawan-kawan on call di tempat lain sekali. STAT. Ambil tindakan seperti biasa.

Sepanjang malam tadi, ada seorang pesakit lain yang keadaan dia kurang stabil. Kejap ok, kejap tak. Drastik perubahan dia, jadi untuk dia - memang kita perhati secara rapat.

Sampai lah jam 7 pagi baru selesai semuanya.. Jam 5.30 am ~ 6.30 am ni waktu ramai doktor bertugas sesi office hour masuk kerja. Katil pesakit ni pula diasing kerana jangkitan dia. Jadi kebanyakannya tak perasan pun kat belakang tengah gigih CPR.

Pengalaman baru hari ni ;
1. Hubungi Medical Officer dan maklumkan keadaan pesakit 2. Run ABG stat 3. Attend pesakit

Hakikat rumah sakit. Hari-hari tengok kematian. Saya sendiri cepat juga shift otak, bila pandang sebagai doktor - rasa okay. Tapi bila tiba-tiba shift sebagai waris - tersentak juga. Teringat terus, kehidupan kita kat dunia ni sekejap sangat. Bersedia ke tak kalau tiba-tiba ditarik nyawa?

Masa ambil darah, ada seorang pakcik tua ni. Sebut-sebut, "nampak mak kat sana,". Ni benda biasa, relax. Kita layan je. Cuma bila pegang tangan dia, kulit yang dah nipis, teringat kat ibu bapa sendiri.. Kalau Allah bagi kita rezeki ibu bapa yang besarkan kita ikut corak Islam, semoga kita dapat terus berbakti untuk mereka.

Hancur hati tengok orang tua duduk hospital sorang-sorang. Mengharapkan orang lain layan keperluan mereka.

Kepada anak-anak, kita nak hantar baby ke pengasuh pun risau kan? Tak akan mampu pengasuh tu jaga macam kita jaga anak sendiri. Bayarlah berapa harga pun.

Macam tu juga ibu bapa kita yang dah tua. Bayarlah mahal mana pun, tak semestinya orang asing boleh jaga mak ayah kita dengan baik. Tolong jangan bongkak, sebut "tu kan kerja nurse/doktor.". Sedih sangat-sangat bila anak lelaki, minta tolong nurse perempuan untuk tukarkan lampin ayah dia. Jagalah maruah ayah..

Setakat Jam 4 pagi, on-call hari ni sangat tenang. Lepas selesai tugas saya, saya ke wad pula tolong kawan ambil darah dan sebagainya. Isnin kebiasaannya banyak darah pesakit yang perlu diambil. Pesakit yang perlu dipantau keadaan darah secara mingguan, kita ambil hari Isnin. 

Hello, have any of you got bored of my writing!? Haha. Sorryyyy I've just completed 1 month of new phase of life. The darkness seems a little less now. HO 1 month review coming soon..

I think this works for first poster (those in first posting of HO) ; where they won't place you alone at high risk place during on-call (night shift where less people are working). Places like Emergency Department, Wards, Peri.. Peri refers to "Peripheral", where the patient is in ward for some other reason than our concern. For example, a pregnant lady with broken fingers. My department treats the broken finger, but at the same time she has issue about her pregnancy.

I have been in on-call with senior all this while, and the day has come yesterday - for me to go solo lo lo lo lo lo lo.

And the place is Peri/Emergency Operation Theatre.

I will get ready for emergency cases need operation, and at the same time get ready for any referral cases for peri. In the morning, I will post the emergency cases for the day.

That is how it works in my place. It differes even in the same hospital, different department. Doesn't matter.

So I got the information about pending EMOT cases of the day, alhamdulillah only two. And 2 cases to see at peri, otherwise patients are okay. It's night anyway, we don't wanna disturb. Haha

APPARENTLY, I got the information about patient from ward has gone to OT at very last minute, I texted the surgeon ASAP - guess what he replied!?

"Patient on table already. OT has called me."

YA ALLAH I AM DEAD.

I ran like my cat in the morning when they're hungry and see me with cat foods. Phew, alhamdulillah got there earlier than the surgeon, and prepped the patient beforehand. Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah. He called the next patient immediately after that, so no issue.

EMOT went smooth. Peri is okay.

The next biggest hurdle is to post case in the morning.

Posting a case means to inform the Anaesthesiologist about the patient going for op, so they will decide whether patient is fit or not / require some correction orior to operation.

WE HAVE TO KNOW EVERYTHING.

Why we have to know everything, and tell everything?

Because we're new, we don't know which is important / less important. We might miss something important which we thought unimportant, get what I mean? A senior taught this before. It looks cool to present like seniors, highlighting the important issues - because they know and have made sure everything is okay. Unlike us. So just present everything, it's okay to get scolded for telling unimportant things.

But of course, learn lah oi. Less important thing that you need to check yourself, no need to say later on. Once you're already capable of! Hehe

The patient I need to post this morning was difficult! Because I don't understand their disease progress. Two of them are okay, under Orthopaedics for clear reason, no issue.

Another 2 ; had blood transfused. Her blood is still abnormal. So I need to dig in what's causing her, so I can give information to the Anaesthesiologist whether she is fit for op or not..

The other 1 patient is bed ridden, with underlying so many diseases. His heart electrical reading doesn't look good. The department is different than I am in now. I learnt about it 1 year ago in medical school, so.. It was tough.

Alhamdulillah, in a hard time like this - there was a senior kind enough to help me with technical part. I do the presentation, study the patient part. She helped me with the ordering system on the computer. I just needed some presence actually. To calm me down. Haha

Can we all be like one of those people who actually lend help? If we can afford it.

Because this one person I don't favour personally, kept asking me,

"Aren't you done posting cases? Why haven't you gone back?"

No no must write in Malay,

"Kau bukan ke dah siap post case? Asal kau tak balik lagi?" with a smirk. Are you expecting me to say,

"Oh no, I haven't done with my job. I have been doing this too slow, spending almost 2 hours already." so you can feel good about yourself? Haha. She knows and was with me since morning - doesn't bother to offer a single help at all.

On my defense, I wasn't slow. Okay. This is my writing space, I deserve to feel how I feel.

One of the patient had blood transfused, completed at 7 am. So I had to wait until 9.30 am for the blood investigation after completing blood transfusion to come out. Only then, I can post and update to the anaesthesiologist.

Not to mention, the two cases was indeed complicated. At the end, the Anaesthesiologist asked to repeat some investigations, treat some urgent correction of her blood, and inform her back. Another one patient, she herself will assess at ward whether he is fit or not.

I am okay with being scolded if she's telling me what I should know. I learnt a lot only during this communication with Anaesthesiologist, now I know what's important etc. It's okay to feel stupid, don't be too hard on yourself. Embrace that you're stupid temporary, because you have not known yet.

Just keep learning everyday, and don't step on others to get on top.

"Tak apa, Encik boleh balik dulu. Fikir nak teruskan pembedahan atau tak," 

Sebaik saja doktor maklumkan berita tersebut, riak wajah dia berubah. Marah? Sedih? Terkejut? Tak berapa jelas, tapi selang beberapa minit kemudian dia menangis. Menangis teresak-esak. Bukan jenis macam tenang, tapi memang tak berhenti. Dah lama pendam barangkali.

Dah lama pesakit ni di wad. Kalau tak silap saya, dalam 2,3 minggu dah ada. Masih dalam pemerhatian sebab dia tak buat keputusan nak potong kaki atau tak.

Ada masa luang sikit, saya pergi tengok luka dia. Biasanya tugas dressing ni dilakukan oleh jururawat, tapi kalau sempat, boleh je doktor nak buat. Boleh belajar lebih.

Sambil tu saya borak lah sikit. Orang kata, dalam fasa sekarang, kena cari satu benda yang kita betul minat. Kalau nak bertahan, kena cari dan teruskan. Jangan hanyut je, nanti tenggelam tak timbul. Bagi saya, setakat ni, keseronokan saya bila sempat bercerita. Suka ambil pengajaran dari pengalam hidup orang. Buku teks satu dalam dunia.

Tiba-tiba dia buka cerita.

Saya dah kahwin 20 tahun, baru dapat anak. Dia dah nak masuk setahun.

Alhamdulillah! Patutlah Encik memang tak sabar nak balik, ya.

Ni anak dengan isteri kedua saya.

Dia tambah lagi,

"Saya nak masuk semula wad XX hari bulan boleh? Saya bincang semula, saya buat keputusan sebelum tarikh tu. Saya nak sambut hari lahir anak saya."

Gembira betul riak wajah dia masa nak balik tu. Ingat sangat.

Selang beberapa hari, nampak semula pesakit tu kat wad. Dah memang buat keputusan untuk bedah luka kaki yang tak boleh dirawat.

Selesai pembedahan, sekejap je duduk wad. Nampak jangkitan kuman dalam darah pun semakin baik, kesihatan general dia pun nampak lebih baik dari dulu.

"Patut dari dulu saya dah potong je. Cepat baik."

Tapi ya lah, memang anggota kita. Sejak lahir bersama kita, sebahagian dari kita. Potong rambut pun sayang, apa lagi jari atau kaki.

Sayang macam mana pun, bila pilihan hanya dua ;

1. Selamatkan anggota, bahayakan nyawa.

2. Korbankankan anggota, selamatkan nyawa.

Bergantung kepada kita juga nak buat pilihan. Bila dah terlambat, jangkitan kuman dah merebak, at one point memang tak boleh buat pembedahan dah. Paling sedih dan rasa tak berguna, bila kita sebagai kaki tangan kesihatan tak boleh buat apa-apa.

Bila seseorang tak sedarkan diri, waris yang terpaksa buat keputusan. Saya guna terpaksa sebab, susah. Beratnya rasa nak buat keputusan nyawa seseorang.. Nak minta terus cuba selamatkan selagi boleh walau apa cara, mungkin akan menyakiti waris kita yang sakit tu. Nak minta berhenti, Allah.. Beratnya.

Selagi diberi kesihatan, tak kisahlah tahap apa sekalipun sekarang ni - jagalah sebaik mungkin. Badan ada satu je. Tak boleh beli kat mana-mana. Nikmat terbesar dari Allah, dicipta sebaik-baik ciptaan-Nya.

Generally, before we are put into a scheduled system (or called "Flexi shift") - we are required to complete the tagging phase.

Tagging is to officially work from 7 am to 10 pm and involve in all working areas in order to adapt with the system. Since we're still slow, usually we'll come by 6 am and return at 11 pm.. or later. Throughout the tagging period, you can only get one day off in a week. Would you wanna spend tagging for a month? Ugh

It is an exhausting phase physically and mentally. I got leg cramps almost every other day. Relieved after using Yoko-yoko (free ads here lol). I am still slow, sometimes I can't even make proper time for meals. It was draining.

In my current department, we are required to complete the off-tag sheet consists of tasks we must accomplished and to pass the Off-Tag Assessment.

It's a viva session with MO in charge. Since this is my first posting, he asked about management of emergency cases in wards. What I should do if BP drop, oxygen low, glucose high/low, stroke, etc. If this doesn't work, next thing? Investigation? On top of the specific questions about the department I'm in..

Alhamdulillah I passed it within a month!

How it happens here is, I need to approach the doctor in charge for assessment. You could be asking to be assessed before the allowed period, but what if the doctor is busy? He had to delay, and the least thing could happen - your posting period is extended for the days you were late for assessment.

All of the assessment works this way. No one will make an announcement of, "today A, B, S must meet me for assessment", nope.

So, whoever reading this, please recite this prayer for me :

"May Athirah pass all of the assessment and complete her training on time without any extension, Aamiin."

I guess I can start planning for day-off now. :')

Yes, we know about diseases. We have learnt it, at least we remember the outline of those topics. What we don't know is the system! The practical part of it which differs to any hospitals in the world. Even in a same hospital, depending on department, how things work may be different. Urm excuse my noobish pespectives about working life, I have just started to enter the society. Admit it, everyone was in my shoe as well.

It's not like I have never worked before. I understood the seniority, punctual, responsibility, and all. The different is those weren't a professional field. After graduating, we are put into a professional field, hence we straight away has people to lead in order to ensure the organisation works AND most importantly, lives are saved.

Hence, I have been feeling stupid, dumb, helpless most of the time. I remind myself constantly to find the silver lining, coaxed myseld that this phase is just temporary. Alhamdulillah, it's working well so far for me.

We were doing rounds with specialist, and one of the patient's skin traction was loose. On my defense, I did fix it this morning before rounds! It's just he's a young patient and able to move, so he kept moving! So the skin traction kept unaling from the original position. Sigh

The specialist asked me, "what traction is he on?"

Skin traction, boss.

"Is he on skin traction?" .. Ah, I get it..

Currently, no boss..

So I removed and fixed it in panic. Yeah, we're the lowest in food chain, every mistake is to be responded with panic! Haha

So the senior wanted to help me fixing it, and I backed up a bit. 

Then the specialist said,

"No, let her do. She knows how to do it. I've seen her does. Show to your friends."

MasyaAllah tabarakAllah.. I know I looked guilty but deep inside my heart I'm running around a field full of blossoming cosmos.

Budaya kita, panggil orang yang mempunyai kecacatan akal sebagai "ahli syurga". Sebab kehidupan mereka di dunia berbeza dengan kita, mereka tidak dihisab - straight ke syurga kelak. Tak diwajibkan ke atas mereka untuk beribadah. Cacat di dunia, tapi kedudukan mereka jauh lebih tinggi dari kita. Tak berdosa.

My first personal encounter is when I was a kinder garten teacher. I (think) I had a pretty good perception and knowledge about Down's Syndrome, ADHD, Autisme, and other different specturms of learning difficulties. So I wasn't shocked. Neither was I scared. I think most of us aren't actually scared of them. It's just we don't know much about them. We still keep them caged, if not ashamed, because of worried they might harm others. To which, still goes back to because we don't have enough knowledge about them.

I had no problem. I am okay. As long as they're not too big and harmful to me physically, I'm good. Cause I'm petite, haha.

Nak dijadikan cerita, saya ditugaskan untuk menjaga seorang pesakit ni. Dia datang sebab retak tulang tangan. Sekitar 30-an, nak kata pakcik, tak juga. Mimik muka ceria, girang. Selesai saja periksa beliau, terangkan tentang prosedur pembedahan, waris beliau minta untuk bercakap sendirian.

"Dia ada masalah otak sikit, tapi dia tak tahu."

Oh.. Okay. Tak ada masalah. Asalkan masa hari pembedahan nanti waris mesti berada sekali. Sebenarnya walaupun dari luar nampak biasa, boleh je perasan daripada mimik muka atau pergerakan seseorang.

Memang seronok jaga dia. Btw jaga maksudnya in-charge tau. Tak adalah literally "jaga" suap makan semua, haha. Suka guna perkataan jaga.

Kita terangkan satu, terus nampak muka dia enlightened. Terus jawab dengan bersemangat, "OKAY!".

Nanti pukul 12 malam, kena puasa tau. Tak boleh makan sampai pagi. Untuk operate esok.

"Okay! Tapi nanti lapar?"

Tak apa, kita masukkan air ni.

"OKAY!".

Selesai saja dari pembedahan, terkejut saya. Dia terus gopoh-gapah nak ke tandas. Sebaik pesakit pulang dari dewan pembedahan, doktor akan periksa keadaan pesakit secepat mungkin. Ini untuk pastikan keadaan pesakit stabil, bantu sekiranya mereka perlukan apa-apa.

"Sekejap, doktor! Saya nak terkencing!!"

???

Okay, okay. Saya pun kembali ke beliau.. Periksa, tanya khabar dia macam mana. Terangkan dah boleh makan tapi setakat yang mampu.

"Tangan saya tak rasa apa-apa, kebas,"

Ya, tangan akan kebas buat sementara waktu sebab baru habis pembedahan. Nanti bila kebas dah makin hilang, saya akan bagi ubat tahan sakit ya.

"OKAY!"

Biasanya pembedahan seperti beliau tak ada masalah sangat.

Kelakarnya, sepanjang hari saya berada di wad - beliau akan mencari saya. Jalan mundar-mandir, minima setiap 30 minit untuk bagitahu,

"Tangan saya kebas lagi,"

Ya Allah.. Why is my patient walking around!? 

Ya, memang kebas. Nanti slow-slow hilang kebas ya. 

Ulang kali banyak kali. Dia akan datang, tengok saya lama-lama sehingga saya perasan, dan tunjukkan tangan. Hahahahh aduhhh.. Terhibur sampai petang.

Keesokannya, selesai diperiksa oleh pakar, beliau pun dibenarkan discaj. Selesaikan urusan discaj, saya siapkan kerja lain pula.

Ketika berjalan ke wad sebelah, terdengar seseorang memanggil dengan kuat dari arah lif,

"DOKTOR! SAYA SUDAH BALIK! TERIMA KASIH!"

Ya, baik-baik ya. Jangan jatuh lagi!

Alhamdulillah.. Sejuk hati bila sesekali ada orang sedekahkan kata-kata macam tu.

Saya yang patut berterima kasih. 

"Adik tak nak doakan. Semoga dapat yang terbaik je,"

Semalam sempat minta Bobo doakan dapat Hospital WW, pilihan nombor satu saya lah kononnya. Sebab 5 minit dari rumah. Kalau jogging pejam mata boleh agaknya sampai. Kalau bawa kereta pejam mata bahaya pula.

Hakikatnya, itu doa yang terbaik. Agar dibimbing dalam membuat setiap keputusan dalam hidup, untuk dapat yang terbaik untuk kita. Yang terbaik tu, rahsia Dia.

.. Sambungan kepada kisah post semalam, alhamdulillah rezeki ke hospital yang jarang terlintas di fikiran.

Sebab nak isi online ni, kita tak akan tahu hospital apa yang ada, berapa kekosongan, malah bila masa tepat pilihan hospital tu akan "muncul" pun kita tak termaklum.

Berbekalkan doa apa yang terbaik je lah.

Maka, bermulalah urusan rasmi dan tak rasmi.

Menimba pengalaman menyewa rumah nampaknya. Rezeki sejak kecil, ditimang mak ayah hari-hari.

Alhamdulillah atas segalanya.

Tadi cuba google sikit tentang hospital ni, terus keluar artikel "doktor buat laporan polis kerana penderaan fizikal dan mental oleh pakar". Hahahahh tu lah, adakalanya lebih baik tak tahu. Cepat-cepat tutup. Malas baca anasir negatif.

It is the moment anyone who decide to become a doctor are waiting for, since Day 1 of Degree.

Majority of the world calls it "medical intern", it is different to how the word "intern" is commonly used. A medical intern is a physician in training who has completed medical school and has a medical degree but does not yet have a fully registered license to practice medicine in some country.

At Malaysia, we commonly hear the word "Houseman", which I don't really like - for the bad impression it has. Haha. It actually stands for "House Officer", basically a fresh grad doctor. That's it. We have undergone training in hospital, with real patients for 3 years during our medical school. We have passed all the examinations to be where we are now.

Hence, I don't like how people downgrade a houseman, especially a public. Calling them "junior doctor", "intern", "doktor pelatih". It's not wrong, but.. I guess what's wrong is downgrading people. Never mind. That's not the point of this post. Haha

I have just received the legendary email - UD41 placement. Something like that. It is an email that all medical doctors practicing in Malaysia receives in order to work in Malaysia. It means that it is our turn to work. The turn depends on the passing result of final exam. As simple as that. No one with better or worse result will get earlier or later, as simple as the date.

Once we receive the mail, about 2~3 days later is the online application, "first come first serve" basis. It is to be completed within a minute. At the same time, about 1000 applicants will enter the website at the same time and click the hospital oh their choice. We will straight away know whether there is a place for us or not. It is updated live. If once we selected, and appears "full". Start again, login, fill some details, click other hospital of choice.

So how do I feel.. Let me try to put it into words. To be honest, I am overwhelmed with emotions. Let's try to arrange according to what I feel more..

1. Anxious

How will the website going to act tomorrow? Will the computer be okay? How is the internet connection? What if things I never expected, happen to me while I apply?

2. Nervous

Of course, we have in mind of our hospital of choice. For personal reasons, for career reasons, it's up to us. Which hospital am I going to get? Medical school has taught me to always be prepared for the worse, so here I am. Haha. Alhamdulillah 'alaa kulli haal, I'm just praying to get what's best for me.

3. Scared

All the what ifs of treating patients in the hospital.. The treatment of superiors, colleagues and all.. The typical scared before entering a new environment.

4. Motivated

.. and excited at the same time. Alhamdulillah it's a blessing that I chose this road on my own will. I registered on my own to the university, secure funding, anf finally passing the medical school - those were not an easy path.

Let's begin.