Still tired from yesterday tired

Friday, August 06, 2021
"You are not lazy, unmotivated, or stuck. You are stuck living in survival mode, you are exhausted. There's a difference." Put aside the fact that this working field is already tired enough.. What hurdles me right now is not knowing my working schedule.

I don't know if I'll be working straight 7 am - 9 pm for 5 days, then on the 6th day I'll be working night shift. Then after the night shift I won't know if I get an off day. Or worse, I get to know it's my off day on the day itself, only to realise that I won't have any off day.

I made it sound complicated, did I.

I find it hard to cope with unscheduled routine. It's not easy to work on night shift, only to know you will work again night shift on the day itself.

I'm a proud introvert. It's never been easy for me to work with people. But I cope. I just need a little breather and I'll be able to function. Not well, but hopefully, making someone's life better..

Worse ; you won't know when you will be deployed to another place, to an unknown location, for an unknown duration. No criteria, randomly picked.

Since the pandemic has been getting harsh, living in the middle of pandemic centre, it's getting worse.

20k positive cases isn't just a number, those are our family.
300 Brought-in-Dead isn't just a number, those are our family.
50 employers isn't just a number, those are our family..

Honestly I don't like to read anything to do with pandemic. I stopped sharing on my social medias, hid all the notifications from friends who like to update about it. It hurts a little. I'm sorry if anyone had to read this, despite you didn't want to. Just needed to put it in words.

Take care and stay safe.
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Ummi's Happiness

Saturday, July 31, 2021
Ever since lockdown started, like many - Ummi got into gardening more than ever. Not sure she knows but her stories are what I look forward to at the end of ruthless days.

She was excitedly telling me,
"You know, I asked Bobo (lil bro) to pick up some Kesum leaves, sengkuang. Guess what he did?"
What is it..?
"I saw him took out his phone and Googled the photo!!"

I would too, Ummi. Who would find it in your jungle??
I'm buying the labeling for her garden I guess.
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A month journey of.. Discomfort.

Friday, June 04, 2021

 "You only grow outside your comfort zone," is what they say.

Alhamdulillah, it's been a month of where I am now. It's a mixed feeling to be honest, to be a "COVID intern". You have no other option but to go on, your main focus is to finish the program on time so you get your qualification fully accredited. Then you're free to do whatever you want, and still practice as a doctor. The workload isn't worth the pay, but as a lady.. Being supported by man.. Enough to pamper youself, I guess? Haha


Oh well, like any other healthcare workers at this moment actually.. You can't quit. Worry about infecting your family with COVID? No one cares. The number of COVID patients are increasing in ward, more and more normal wards are turned into a COVID wards. How many times we missed to diagnose COVID, and exposed ourself to patients who later found to be positive.. The only thing I could do - wear the suffocating and painful N95 mask with faceshield. I'd rather suffocate now with oxygen saturation 98% in me. Yes it feels suffocating but no healthy person / even asthmatic person were found gasping or having an attack for wearing face mask properly.


The difference is we're the most ameteur in the game. You may be equipped with all the weapon, know all the tricks, but your HP is low to fully utilize it. You are not dumb, you just can't put it together.. So you will be treated as dumb anyway.


During "tagging period", I was yelled. This patient was supposed to take a medication for her to pass motion, in order to go for scope through her anus. I have endorsed the medication, I was the only one at that time during night round. God knows where's the seniors are.. So the way I endorsed it was not accurate.


I have ensured the medication is prepared, informed that she needs to go for the procedure tomorrow, hence need to take the medication on time tonight itself. Miscommunication happened, some thought she were to go for the procedure the day after, with the inaccuracy on endorsement of medication - the medication was not given when I reviewed in the morning.


So I was yelled during morning round.

Where was the seniors who left a 3 days old tagger alone in ward?

Where was the boss who didn't specifically mentioned I need to write the time and date?

Where was the nurse who I together figured out how to serve and ordered together in the system?

No one will take the blame.

Because I am the one who endorsed it and signed.

To make it worse, it was found by the on-call boss who's known as..

To recall back now, it was a simple incident. But perhaps I was exhausted.. Wait a minute. The way I write is a little too underrating. So let's just quote the words literally.


"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT!?"

"WHO ENDORSED LIKE THIS?"

"POST IN GROUP NOW, I WANT TO KNOW WHO! IDENTIFY YOURSELF!"


To which I admitted and fully responsible for that.

Ok that's one story. I don't prefer to share the bad things.. But I think I should. Before I stepped into this field, I wasn't quite exposed to how stressful the environment could be. And most people in deseparate, turns into someone they are now.. Which could affect their character as well if not handled well. The whole world knows how unkind the working environment is, it depends on how we react to that. It's not just certain countries, it's the whole world. Okay let's begin. This is story number one.


A scope can be either through your mouth (OGDS) or through your anus (colonosopy). In this photo, you can see the doctor is inserting through mouth.. The patient will be either unconscious or semi conscious, of course with pain killer!


Basically a camera in form of tube will be inserted. And the doctor can do procedure immediately on the spot, if needed. Let say there's bleeding, the doctor can stop the bleeding through the scope. Hence, you need the passage to be cleared from any poopss for a clearer view. Most of the time while inserting the tube from anus, the watery stool (poop lah) will come out as well, with gases.. Sorry were you reading while eating? Opssie.


To be accurate, the title should say "Hell." but that would be too mainstream.

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